Nicholas Higgins 01/06/2020

The Age of Narcissus

 ‘When we are born we cry that we have come to this great age of fools’, W. Shakespeare, King Lear

Healthy narcissism  is part of normal human functioning. It fosters a sturdy sense of one’s worth, it bolsters self-confidence and induces healthy relationships. Narcissism becomes a problem, however, when that worth mutates into a grandiose sense of self-importance. When an individual views themselves as fundamentally superior - special, entitled and unique.

Western culture has become a breeding ground for unhealthy narcissism. Ever since the ‘self-esteem’ movement of the 1980s, kids have been told that they are wonderful individuals, regardless of achievement. ‘I am special’ appears on T-shirts, stickers and car seats. Babies sport cute ‘supermodel’ emblazoned bibs. In competitions everyone gets some kind of trophy, in exams everyone does well. Advertising doubles over on these messages; you’re special, you’re different, you’re ‘worth it’. Buy this product and you won’t just be a quintessence of dust, a speck of nothing, you will be someone!

Today’s shamelessly vain celebrities throw in their two pennies. Linsey Lohan declared herself ‘a role model to younger generations as well as to generations older than me’. ‘I’m really f***cking good at my job and people who are interesting and good know that’, so said Gwyeneth Palyrow in 2004. The leader of the free world is himself a sumptuously narcissistic self publicist.

Whilst we obsess over those who obsess over themselves, the ubiquity of social media has made narcissists of us all. ‘I’ must be more entertaining, more original, more beautiful, with more friends, have wittier lines with more righteous opinions. We’ve become walking merchandise for our ‘perfect’ lives. Friend and follower tallies serve as sales figures. People are inflating themselves like balloons.

Of course high self-esteem must be a good thing. If we just believe in ourselves, anything is possible. This is the cure all panacea, a ‘national wonder drug’ for anxiety, depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, crime and violence. Scores of self-help books laud it; ‘loving yourself means knowing how great you are and not letting any person, any place, or any thing get in the way of that’, says Diane Mastromanio in her aptly named The Girls Guide to Loving yourself. A quick search on Google reveals 191,000 hits for ‘how to love yourself’.

This self-aggrandising culture has fit hand in glove with the hyper individual, competitive society, that evolved since the 1970s. ‘Neo-liberalism’, the Thatcherite cult of free markets and deregulation glorified individual self interest as providing the best outcomes for all. Thus was ushered in the ‘greed is good’ culture we very much still live with today. To get along in this neo-liberal world, means being fitter, smarter and faster than your neighbours. It means doubling and then tripling down on the fabulous powers of ‘Me’. We ‘get ahead’ by getting the best grades at school, getting into the best college, getting the best job, car, clothes, wife… Others are seen as obstacles in the great game, or as people you must defeat, or as people you must manipulate to serve your ends. 

Conditions have thus been ripe for a ‘narcissism epidemic’. Dramatic rises in plastic surgery procedures, the growth of celebrity gossip magazines, ever growing sizes of houses, the increased popularity of giving children unique names, polling data on the importance of being rich and famous, the growing number of people who cheat. Narcissism underlies all of these worrying trends. Research has shown that narcissistic personality traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980’s to the present, with the shift especially pronounced for women. Concurrently, mental disorders, such as anxiety, depression and panic attacks, have all been consistently rising (8-10% of the entire UK/US populations use anti-depressants). There’s been a sharp rise in drug taking, anti-social behaviours, binge drinking, shallow sexuality, self-harm and eating disorders. 

True, there are a variety of causes for these jumps, but it doesn’t seem unreasonable to speculate that our age of narcissism might be at least partly what’s driving them. Vain individuality is inherently selfish. The narcissist is so focused on pumping up the self, they can’t relate to other people and the wider world. They can’ t accept criticism and get defensive when their flaws are pointed out. It’s precisely this self-centred behaviour, which cuts the narcissist off from the one thing that is known to make humans most happy, meaningful relationships. 

What is more, the ‘anything’s possible as long as you believe in yourself’ mantra does not run true in real life. Life is messy, and we cannot always get what we want. We’re limited beings, we aren’t all born as geniuses or creative prodigies. So when we don’t meet our overblown expectations of ourselves, the odious result is disappointment, and then that terrible, gathering loathing of the self. With the internet and the rise of social media, there are more opportunities than ever for these expectations to be dashed. We’re bombarded with images of people more attractive, skinnier, more muscular, more successful and higher paid, than us. 

How to extricate oursleves from from such blatant toxicity? The first step is to realise that falsity is at the root of narcissism. Indeed, objectively a narcissist is just like everyone else. So next time you browse an insta page of some pumped up social media ‘influencer’ remember what Magritte told us. A picture of a pipe is not a pipe. Online friends are phoney friends. Lifestyles portrayed on social media are fake, and usually paid with punitive debt. Thanks to filters and cosmetic surgery, beauty is almost always bogus.

Now that you’ve retracted from this world of grandiose fantasy, you can develop a mode of self-acceptance that accepts you as you. Free yourself from western propaganda that wants to turn you into something you can’t really be. Face the fact that you’ll never look like Brad Pitt and admit that you’ll never be as clever as Steve Jobs. Quit trying to be what you’re not. There’s a deep comfort when you realise being extraordinary or ‘awesome’ or special is not necessary for existing or for being loved. 

Once you realise you’re quite ordinary, you can replace egoism for some good old fashioned humility. This is a dirty word today, frequently misconstrued for weakness, self-hatred or humiliation. But in truth, humility has a lot more backbone than its opposite. It is honest: the ability to see or evaluate yourself accurately and without defensiveness. It’s empathetic; being able to take someone else’s perspective and, when things are bad, feel compassion for his or her pain and suffering. It’s thankful; the valuing of the lives of others and all those who’ve helped and supported you. Unsurprisingly then, the most humble people are always the most connected to others.

Truly, ‘no man is an island unto himself’. A life well lived is one that is shared. Deep down we know that a self-centred life is not what we want. We want to be part of a community, we want to be supported when we’re struggling, we want a sense of belonging. Yet today’s culture sells the lie that being ‘different’ is the way to just these things. Wars, conflicts and atrocities have always started over difference. Hitler killed the Jews, Tutsi killed the Huttu, Shiite killed Sunni, Serb killed Croat, white enslaved black. We try to differentiate ourselves by nationality, race, class, career, hair and eye colour, clothes, cars and other objects. But fundamentally we’re all just the same; as Herman Melville put it, ‘a thousand fibres connect us with our fellow men’. Concentration on our commonalities, not difference, is the cure all panacea for a hurting, disconnected world.

This starts with getting your head out of your own ‘special’ ass, and being humble about who you are and how you treat others. Only then will egotism diminish and we become a more considerate and community minded society.