The Revenge of The Pipe
‘If I cannot smoke in heaven, I shall not go’, Mark Twain
Smoking today is demonised from the top down. All are taught to loathe smoking, and by implication, smokers. It’s banned in every public space. In what looks like state lead extortion, 80-90% of a 20 pack’s cost comes from tax. Taxpayers money is used to sponsor anti-smoking propaganda on billboards, buses and the packets themselves. Hatred for tobacco is not new. Russia once whipped smokers, Turkey beheaded them and India slit their noses. Even Hitler did all he could to stamp out tobacco use in the Third Reich, himself considering it vile and disgusting.
The powers that be don’t want you to know that cigarettes, cigars and pipes were not created equal. Yet all are lumped with the same taxes and tarred with the same health destroying effects. Cigarettes are well known to be loaded with nicotine and chemicals (7000 in one). The ‘death stick’ is painfully addictive, and we don’t need reminding that they cause heart attacks, lung cancer and emphysema.
Few realise, however, that pipe smoking is different game altogether. You don’t inhale into your lungs, only your mouth. The tobacco is also in its natural state, with no chemical additives. Sure if you aggressively smoke a pipe every day you may risk some forms of throat, mouth or lip cancer. But a pipe enjoyed in moderation is a pleasurable pastime, not an uncontrollable addiciton.
The difference between the former and the latter is the difference between having a glass of wine with lunch or dinner, and drinking a case of beer every day. As Thomas Huxley put it, ‘you can poison yourself by drinking too much green tea, and kill yourself by eating too many beefsteaks. For my part, I consider tobacco, in moderation, is a sweeterner and equaliser of the temper’. Still when it comes to all matters tobacco, the establishment prefers fanatical intolerance, than moderation and consideration.
Bypassed are the pipes many virtues. It is no less than a luxurious instrument of contemplation. Avid pipe smoker Albert Einstein believed it contributed ‘to a somewhat calm and objective judgement in all human affairs’. Many of history’s most famous writers and intellectuals were pipe smoking aficionados, including Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis (who often smoked together as they spent long hours in conversation at ‘The Eagle and Child’), Bertrand Russell, General Douglas MacArthur, Ernest Hemingway, and many more. The pipe was for these men what the iPhone is to the millennial. Not some fashion accessory, but a companion that aided in great, original, creative thinking. I suppose this is why I love pipes - when I look down the vulcanite stem and follow the curve of the shank up the bowl, I join their ghosts. Pure nostalgia maybe, but you’re inspired to think like they did, and dwell on the more thoughtful, elevated things in life.
Our on-demand society, however, jettisons these opportunities for calm self-reflection. At a time when enjoyment seems to take a back swap to, well, everything, when we juggle all our side hustles and technology pervades, the humble pipe offers a refreshing space to think. This is more than just pining to be some existential philosopher. The very process of packing, lighting and smoking a deep bowl of burley is eases the mind tremedously. That satisfaction you get when you pack the tobacco into the bowl just right. Then, the whoosh of the match followed by that wonderful, aromatic smell. Ritual replaces addiction. And there’s no such thing as a ‘quick’ pipe. You must be at peace with the idea of slowing down and settling into your favourite armchair for the evening. This process doesn’t achieve much in the way of material results, but it’s a surefire way to soothe the soul.
Pipe smokers knew all about mindfulness before it became fashionable. So if you’re a type A personality that’s one cheeseburger away from a heart attack caused by stress, smoke a pipe. It might just force you to relax, slow down and reflect on what has so wound you up. A whole new world of enjoyment will also open up to you. There are thousands of blends of exquisite tobaccos from all over the world, hundreds of traditional and unusual shapes, sizes, and finishes for a pipe, and the possibilities for beautiful artwork carved into meerschaum and briar pipes.
Still, if anyone under the age of 80 smokes a pipe these days they’re criticised for wilfully ‘killing themselves’, or are labelled as vinyl loving, loafer wearing hipsters. How sad to be treated as a pariah for enjoying the simple pleasure of a pipe. Pipe smokers must cast off these labels. Make a statement of rebellion against political correctness, and enjoy a pipe for what it is. Moderately consumed, it is the tobacco-delivery method for the gentlemanly scholar, it is the philosophers hobby and the warriors way to introspection.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it…